What is Beauty of Barrenness?

Today I've decided to share with you the heart behind my blog.

Beauty of Barrenness

About 6 years ago, God had placed this passion on my heart. To share my story to others. My story of infertility & barrenness. I attempted to publish a few posts, but still felt so much bitterness towards my situation. Undeniably, I got consumed with trying to take it into my own hands trying to figure out how I was going to conceive. Nothing else mattered to me. Out of my mouth came words that just masked how I really felt internally.

I'd lay in bed at night questioning God.


Why me?

Why can't I have kids?

You know I LOVE kids.

Why would you let this happen to me?

In that season of my life, I had no one to turn to. Literally no one. Even Roger didn't even know how to comfort me. We were both silent in this what seemed like a never ending storm. We were silently trying to stay strong for each other. We weren't seeking God's will or comfort. We were so lost. A part of me even questioned if he would no longer love me because of my barrenness. I was a complete mess trying to hold my broken self together.

I searched for a place to belong, but found nothing. I desperately needed to be surrounded by other women who were going through the same storms. Someone, anyone, who could see right through me & embrace me during the darkest times in my life. I even had a home church yet I didn't feel like I belonged there. I didn't feel accepted as a barren woman. Every Sunday I would step into the lobby avoiding eye contact & I'd feel the weight of the eyes that were staring at me.


People with good intentions, have approached me & asked me questions that just felt like they were pouring salt over my ever constant fresh wounds of emptiness. I'd always just brush it aside. I even joked about why we didn't have any kids yet. But inside, I was desperately searching for acceptance.

Can I just be accepted instead of being questioned why I don't have any kids? Can I just be accepted and not be judged for being married for so long but not having any children to prove for my marriage? Can I just be accepted & not feel like I'm walking around with a curse?

In the most desperate time of my life, I had only one soul that lifted me up as best as she could. She spoke life & encouragement back into my broken heart. She reminded me of the hope I have in Jesus Christ. She dried my tears when all I needed to do was cry my heart out. She embraced me & accepted me through my brokenness even without an explanation of what I was facing. But most importantly she repeatedly pointed me back to the Cross.

It was then, that I knew I had to find my identity in Jesus. I could've become completely bitter & absorbed by trying to find control. Or I could surrender it to God & let Him speak His love over me through the storm. I did just that. It took me a few years to learn to trust God with my complete situation. It was in the midst of this infertility storm that I experienced His comfort in a way that I've never before.

He filled my emptiness with His abounding love & reminded me daily that He was surely working everything for my good & for His glory. Even though I seemed so lost in that storm, He gave me vision to see that there were so many women out there who were also facing a similar storm as I was but without the Hope- giver: Jesus. I knew that as broken and confused as I was, the little bit-sized faith that I had in God cradled me through the storm. God began to give me a new heart & passion for women who were facing the similar battles.

I began to see it clearly. Year after year, God started placing names of women on my heart. Women who I was aware that were definitely facing a hard season of waiting. Waiting on their promises. Waiting on God. God has taught me so much through this season of waiting. He's shown me that a life in a season of waiting does not have to be dark. It can be filled with light. When I chose to let Him change my perspective, I was renewed in my spirit. God gave me a peace & joy that surpassed all my understanding.

He began to slowly reveal the Beauty of Barrenness to me. Daily, I find beauty in the season of waiting on Him. And everyday, He show's up & reminds me that all I need to do is to have complete reliance on Him & He will carry me through. I don't quite know what that means or how it looks like yet. No, God did not give me a blueprint to my future. But I'm willing to trust in His plans for my life and step forward in faith.

Beauty of Barrenness was created to embrace & encourage those who are in a season of waiting. My desire is to encourage you to hold on to Hope. To allow Jesus to minister into the very areas of your heart that resembles closely to mine. I believe that we all seek for a place to be heard, to be known, & to be accepted. You will here. If any of the above resonates with you then I encourage you to follow or subscribe. If not, I ask that you'd help pray over this vision that God has given to me. Pray that all who need administering to will find exactly what they need. Pray that God will provide the very people that needs to read or hear these words.

Photo by Thomas Smith on Unsplash

My Word for 2016: JoyFull

4 years ago, I stopped making resolutions. Like many other bloggers, I learned that resolutions were just a plan for failure. I'd make vague goals that were a bit impossible & before even hitting the summer, I'd give up on them. Lose weight, be a better ministry leader, read the Bible, and so on & so forth. What I've recently learned is that change doesn't just happen overnight. It takes baby steps. Dreams don't come true if we don't turn them into goals. Goals aren't reached if we don't set deadlines. 

2015 was a great year. A year of challenges, change, &  transformation. I love that with a new year, comes a fresh start for you to create who you want to become. A time to self evaluate and let go of bad habits & make room for improvement on a greater version of ourselves. I've thought it through, & I choose to make 2016 "JoyFull." I want this year to be filled with joy. 

2 "Consider it nothing but joy, my [a]brothers and sisters, 
whenever you fall into various trials. 
Be assured that the testing of your faith [through experience] 
produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]."
James 1:2-3 AMP
With everything that I set out to do this year whether big or small, I want to do it with intention &  with joy. I want to love my husband & family well. I want to be present in the relationships that I have. To let go of unnecessary things & hold on to the things that #sparkjoy in my life. To live a life filled with contentment & gratitude. I hope to serve God with all my heart- not giving up on the calling He's placed on my heart. 

Beauty of Barrenness is something God's been directing me towards. I just never found the courage to follow through with it. Call me crazy, but I have this vision of using this platform to inspire & encourage women & couples around the world that either struggle with infertility or are currently facing the storms of barrenness. I want you to not just know but believe that there IS beauty in the barren. God has impressed this truth in my heart so much recently. 

Come along with me & look into my life. Its filled with flaws, imperfections, ugliness, brokenness, confusion, & so many other things that you may be familiar with. But most of all, join me in experiencing Jesus' healing & God's truth that speaks into EVERY area of our emptiness. Here, you will get to know me on a much much more intimate level. I may have things that I share here that my community of people may not even be aware of. But I trust that in my vulnerability & transparency, God will be glorified. He will be my Defender. I believe He honors those who lay their lives down for His glory. 

Walk along this journey with me as we go into the new year. I not only will use this space as a personal blog but also a creative outlet for me to share with you my daily shenanigans, adventures, & hobbies. I love life and the entirety of it. Style, fashion, health, crafts, home, you name it. I'm officially giving you a front row ticket into my life. And as I type these words out, my heart is beating faster & faster. I'm nervous, anxious, & to be honest, a bit scared. But I'm not going to let fear get in the way of what God is doing. 

What is your word for the year? What are your dreams & goals? Have you taken time to sit down & set deadlines to take you another step closer to reaching those goals? Comment below & tell me about it!

Happy New Year!