Lately, I've been feeling a bit down & blue. I guess to be exact, DEPRESSED. It's really starting to take a toll on me. And I'm not sure where to go from here. All I can do is leave it in the Lord's hands. Because I am a mere human being that does not have the will power to cast off my PCOS. But then again, like I said, I am human. I have doubts, and lately, I've just been researching & figuring out what to do next. The next step. Because I'm just a planner. That's how I am.
Lately this his has been my daily routine:
Google-->How to treat PCOS-->How to conceive with PCOS-->PCOS diets
And so on and so forth... one page leads to another, and all the information on the websites are great & "helpful" but where do I begin? Where do I start this whole entire process of life change? And then the questions pop up again in my head, "Why, of all the people in the world, do I have to be diagnosed with PCOS? Why me?" It's not that fertility is impossible for me, its just a bit more difficult. My chances are slimmer than most women. Which starts to make me feel like I've lost my womanhood. Not being able to conceive naturally like others.
Day in and day out, I think to myself & pray quietly. Today, the Lord has just been reminding me that "Sometimes the Lord calms the storm, but sometimes He lets the storm ride along, & calms His child."
I believe with all my heart that their will be some sort of sunshine at the end of the road. But its just taking me a while to get to that point where I can just let go & accept it. This is my current struggle. I know my Lord & Savior has a plan for Roger & I. I know that through this journey, the Lord will be able to glorify Himself someday. I just need a sign. Or an answer. Which is why I'd like to share this poem with you. Its been a great reminder for myself. I took it off of SawdustandEmbryos.( My Inspiration) Check it out. I hope this poem gives you some sort of comfort as well, in any situation even if not like mine.
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."