Some days are easier than others.
Even though God has given me peace amidst my sufferings, I'm still human. Everyday as I make the choice to dwell on His promises instead of my situation, I find that He allows me more & more strength.
With every passing day, it's become a bit easier to talk about infertility.
I remember days where we'd have family gatherings & our relatives would come up to us & point out things like:
"You've been married for so long now, why don't you guys have some kids?"
"Don't wait too long because you're only getting older."
"Why would you prefer getting a dog over having a child?"
"Do you guys not want kids?"
"Oh, don't worry just take advantage of being child-less right now."
In those moments, I can honestly tell you, I wanted to cry my eyes out. Some day's I was able to just brush those questions aside. I mean, I know they had good intentions. They just didn't know the choice of words that they used could pierce my heart so deeply. I know it wasn't their fault. I don't blame them. But it's still a battle in itself just processing everything and letting go of those dreadful words.
There's a saying,
" Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about."
- Wendy Mass
Boy, has God completely given me a humble perspective of viewing others in this way. It wasn't true until I experienced it for myself. So many times, people will just look right through you and assume the worst of you, not even knowing the storms you're facing.
Can I just say, God had a whole lot of healing to do in me. I'll be honest, from day one, I wanted to keep it a secret. I didn't want anyone to know. I was ashamed of my "condition." Especially in my culture & society, it just isn't "normal." I mean who says having kids at the age of 15 right after marriage is normal? Some people don't even think about having kids until they've had their careers set in place and financial stability and then infertility sneaks up & they'll be left in desperation and regret.
I had other options. I just didn't want to face those options. I knew that of anything, I needed healing. Miraculous healing. Healing that only Jesus Himself could provide. As time slowly but surely went on, telling my story didn't hurt so much as it did the times before. I made a decision just after a few months of complete obsession over "trying to conceive," that I would not let fertility be my idol. Because its just that easy to get carried away by trying to take things into our own hands right?
It was still hard, but daily, I would trade my pain & sorrow for His joy & peace. Daily, I had to surrender the sufferings that I felt wallowing in my soul. God was and continues to be faithful every step of the way. As each day passes, God slowly molds courage within me to speak boldly of my testimony to others. And every opportunity that He continues to give me, He's asking me to take another step into trusting His plan for me. I consider that miraculous healing.
It was not easy at first. If anything, I think its absolutely okay to feel pain. In fact, I believe there is a time to mourn. But let us not dwell in that season for too long. God has other plans for our lives. I cannot vouch that the pain is diminished after His healing. But I can tell you, that the peace & joy that He rewards you will outweigh the pain inside.
"When you can tell your story and it doesn't make you cry, you'll know you have healed."
I may not be healed physically and my womb may still be suffering, but my soul has never felt more at peace. For me, healing looks a lot like finding joy in the sorrow and having the ability to genuinely smile even when my heart is aching. It looks like a grasp of desperation for hope. It is confidently taking a step forward when there is not even a speck of light on the horizon. Let Hope guide you into the unknown. Remember that loneliness is only a lie from the enemy. God promises that He is carrying you every step of the way.
What battles are you facing in this moment? Is it hard to talk about it to others? Do you feel like you're all alone?