What is Beauty of Barrenness?

Today I've decided to share with you the heart behind my blog.

Beauty of Barrenness

About 6 years ago, God had placed this passion on my heart. To share my story to others. My story of infertility & barrenness. I attempted to publish a few posts, but still felt so much bitterness towards my situation. Undeniably, I got consumed with trying to take it into my own hands trying to figure out how I was going to conceive. Nothing else mattered to me. Out of my mouth came words that just masked how I really felt internally.

I'd lay in bed at night questioning God.

Why?

Why me?

Why can't I have kids?

You know I LOVE kids.

Why would you let this happen to me?

In that season of my life, I had no one to turn to. Literally no one. Even Roger didn't even know how to comfort me. We were both silent in this what seemed like a never ending storm. We were silently trying to stay strong for each other. We weren't seeking God's will or comfort. We were so lost. A part of me even questioned if he would no longer love me because of my barrenness. I was a complete mess trying to hold my broken self together.

I searched for a place to belong, but found nothing. I desperately needed to be surrounded by other women who were going through the same storms. Someone, anyone, who could see right through me & embrace me during the darkest times in my life. I even had a home church yet I didn't feel like I belonged there. I didn't feel accepted as a barren woman. Every Sunday I would step into the lobby avoiding eye contact & I'd feel the weight of the eyes that were staring at me.

hope

People with good intentions, have approached me & asked me questions that just felt like they were pouring salt over my ever constant fresh wounds of emptiness. I'd always just brush it aside. I even joked about why we didn't have any kids yet. But inside, I was desperately searching for acceptance.

Can I just be accepted instead of being questioned why I don't have any kids? Can I just be accepted and not be judged for being married for so long but not having any children to prove for my marriage? Can I just be accepted & not feel like I'm walking around with a curse?

In the most desperate time of my life, I had only one soul that lifted me up as best as she could. She spoke life & encouragement back into my broken heart. She reminded me of the hope I have in Jesus Christ. She dried my tears when all I needed to do was cry my heart out. She embraced me & accepted me through my brokenness even without an explanation of what I was facing. But most importantly she repeatedly pointed me back to the Cross.

It was then, that I knew I had to find my identity in Jesus. I could've become completely bitter & absorbed by trying to find control. Or I could surrender it to God & let Him speak His love over me through the storm. I did just that. It took me a few years to learn to trust God with my complete situation. It was in the midst of this infertility storm that I experienced His comfort in a way that I've never before.

He filled my emptiness with His abounding love & reminded me daily that He was surely working everything for my good & for His glory. Even though I seemed so lost in that storm, He gave me vision to see that there were so many women out there who were also facing a similar storm as I was but without the Hope- giver: Jesus. I knew that as broken and confused as I was, the little bit-sized faith that I had in God cradled me through the storm. God began to give me a new heart & passion for women who were facing the similar battles.

I began to see it clearly. Year after year, God started placing names of women on my heart. Women who I was aware that were definitely facing a hard season of waiting. Waiting on their promises. Waiting on God. God has taught me so much through this season of waiting. He's shown me that a life in a season of waiting does not have to be dark. It can be filled with light. When I chose to let Him change my perspective, I was renewed in my spirit. God gave me a peace & joy that surpassed all my understanding.

He began to slowly reveal the Beauty of Barrenness to me. Daily, I find beauty in the season of waiting on Him. And everyday, He show's up & reminds me that all I need to do is to have complete reliance on Him & He will carry me through. I don't quite know what that means or how it looks like yet. No, God did not give me a blueprint to my future. But I'm willing to trust in His plans for my life and step forward in faith.

Beauty of Barrenness was created to embrace & encourage those who are in a season of waiting. My desire is to encourage you to hold on to Hope. To allow Jesus to minister into the very areas of your heart that resembles closely to mine. I believe that we all seek for a place to be heard, to be known, & to be accepted. You will here. If any of the above resonates with you then I encourage you to follow or subscribe. If not, I ask that you'd help pray over this vision that God has given to me. Pray that all who need administering to will find exactly what they need. Pray that God will provide the very people that needs to read or hear these words.

Photo by Thomas Smith on Unsplash

Who's Your Best Friend?

Roger & I have been married for 10 years now and one thing we've definitely learned is that we need friendship. 2015 was a hard year, I mean, when is life nor marriage not hard? You'll always face new challenges. I wish someone would've told us on our wedding day how important it is to stay friends in your marriage. 

I honestly don't know when we lost that important factor of our marriage, but I guess once marriage happened, it was all about figuring out how to make it through life.We stopped asking questions. Stopped getting to know each other & we began to just conform to this normality of what we thought marriage was supposed to be. A Relational Retirement. 

Last year, Roger & I literally felt like we came to a point where our marriage was going to end. Not because someone cheated or because we didn't get along. Most people I know would probably conclude & compromise at the fact that they "fell out of love" with each other. For us, it was because we didn't feel connected. Here we were, married at this point for 10 years & yet felt more distant than ever. Don't misunderstand, we love each other passionately. But at some point we stopped having conversations & fell into this autopilot setting of just going through the motions of life with no intentionality. 

It really affected us. With lots of prayers & encouragement from a close couple who knew of our struggles, we started pursing our marriage through God's eyes. We started praying for one another & for our marriage. It took time, patience, trust, & courage. Each day we stepped a little closer towards each other in our friendship. Slowly but surely, we started having more in depth conversations. It was like getting to know him all over again. Don't assume that when you get married, your spouse will remain the same person they were from the day you said "I do." 

As we grow in the years of marriage, we also mature over time. God is constantly working through us, changing & challenging us to become the best versions of ourselves to glorify Him. And so, therefore, we have to learn to embrace each others changes as well. I started to learn so many new things about him that I had never known before. And like any relationship, trust had to be nurtured into our marriage. Even though you're married to each other, the enemy knows how to pull you away from one another, influencing you to be secretive & to keep things to yourself. 

I believe that when we unite in a holy matrimony, (a marriage that is set apart from others), we ought to both know each other inside out. To see each other in a way that no other person could. To be so transparent about your life, emotions, struggles, & celebrations. The only other being that should know you so deeply would be God himself. There is something beautiful about becoming "One." In marriage, we get to experience the intertwining of 2 souls & 1 spirit. God himself blesses couples with His Holy Spirit.  Don't ever assume that marriage is only a physical life accomplishment. It's so much more than that. 

Roger & I have learned so much about what God can do through marriage. We asked God to teach us to communicate well, to be open & transparent towards each other & to know how to extend grace & to be able to love one another. He definitely answered us. Little by little, He began to reveal to us, the victory we have in our marriage. God was reigniting our love & friendship towards one another in such a new & fresh way we had never experienced before. 

"The best relationship is when you can act like lovers & bestfriends at the same time."

Don't get me wrong. Girlfriends are a must-have in every woman's life. But to have a best friend in your spouse, it has to be the most amazing & special thing God has every created! So believe me when I say that I know God has bigger plans for your marriage. He knows you desire a relationship with your spouse. If you do, then run to Him. Plead for your marriage. Cry out for your spouse. Go to God on behalf of your marriage & pour out your heart on Him. He WILL answer you. In His will & perfect timing, He will honor you for your faithfulness,not just to your husband, but your faithfulness to Him. 

Are you best friends with your spouse? 

Have you ever thought about praying for your marriage?

Know that in order for our marriages to thrive, we must make sacrifices & invest in them as best possible. 

How can I pray for you and your friendship with your spouse? 

Let me know in the comments. I'd love to pray over you. 

Have a blessed weekend!