How can one be calm & have peace of mind when the whole world is telling you that you should be ashamed of yourself? For years, I've always assumed that I must be some FAILURE because I wasn't able to conceive. I mean, 12 years now, going on 13 and we're right where we started, How do we find peace in barrenness? What is the purpose of all of this? Questions I found that I was constantly pondering.
A few years ago I committed to a healing fast. To commit 40 days to focus on praying around and even through the circumstances that I've bottled up. PCOS, Infertility, Motherhood, Family, etc. There are so many things my heart desires. But why do my circumstances reveal something else? It was a true testing of my own heart. He was teaching me to see the beauty in the barrenness.
I was met with conviction after conviction day after day. I realized that I had missed it all. Infertility surfaced and it revealed where my heart was and where I stood with God. With so much love and grace, He started to nudge me and wake me. These are the questions that God started to ask me:
- Why do I want children?
- Is my husband and I not already a family?
- How can I bring a child into this family, if we're not even practicing to be a family already?
- Do I desire children more than I desire my relationship with God?
- And so much more.
He says, "An inheritance quickly gained is not blessed. If you do not sacrifice and pay a price for something, you wont ever understand its value."
WOW. Right? At that time, I had allowed 10 years to fly. But what had I been doing? Was I so consumed of this syndrome (PCOS), that I forgot to put my complete trust in my Creator? The Author and Finisher of life? Where did my faith go? I was only thinking of what I could do within my own will power to conceive. I was obsessively researching how to cure my PCOS and totally lost sight of my Healer who is the Good Doctor. I was wrestling with God about what I thought was best for me and questioning His plans. Who was I kidding?
I'm so encouraged now, knowing that all women who experienced barrenness had the favor of God.
Confusing right? I know, it did not make sense at all at first. If God had favor on Sarah or Hannah or Elizabeth, why would He not bless them with a child? But their desperate & sorrowful stories were transformed into miraculous testaments. Look how each woman was delivered through their darkest days. And each of their children went on to be a piece of Christ the Savior's lineage. Their broken wombs birthed into intentional pieces of God's bigger plan.
God is using our barrenness to do something greater in us. In our lives. The same promises He made to these women, are true for us as well. If God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Then I believe so are His promises. More often, we listen to the world. Which is also the enemy. We listen to the shame, the ridicule, the judgement. Yet, we forget to hold on to the truths. Don't forget to praise Him in the storm. Prayer and praise has the power to break through barrenness.
Out of my fasting I learned that God was asking me to shift the way I was praying. It was a push for me to change my posture from doubts and desperation to faith & gratitude. To declare His promises over my life daily but to also embrace where my 2 feet were planted. Whether if I find myself in the dry and cracked barren places or the abundantly flourishing islands, God will meet me there. This is hope. Not just for me but for you as well. No matter where you are in your journey of waiting, He WILL meet you there.
Have you tried praying and fasting? How has God met you in your story?