What is Beauty of Barrenness?

Today I've decided to share with you the heart behind my blog.

Beauty of Barrenness

About 6 years ago, God had placed this passion on my heart. To share my story to others. My story of infertility & barrenness. I attempted to publish a few posts, but still felt so much bitterness towards my situation. Undeniably, I got consumed with trying to take it into my own hands trying to figure out how I was going to conceive. Nothing else mattered to me. Out of my mouth came words that just masked how I really felt internally.

I'd lay in bed at night questioning God.

Why?

Why me?

Why can't I have kids?

You know I LOVE kids.

Why would you let this happen to me?

In that season of my life, I had no one to turn to. Literally no one. Even Roger didn't even know how to comfort me. We were both silent in this what seemed like a never ending storm. We were silently trying to stay strong for each other. We weren't seeking God's will or comfort. We were so lost. A part of me even questioned if he would no longer love me because of my barrenness. I was a complete mess trying to hold my broken self together.

I searched for a place to belong, but found nothing. I desperately needed to be surrounded by other women who were going through the same storms. Someone, anyone, who could see right through me & embrace me during the darkest times in my life. I even had a home church yet I didn't feel like I belonged there. I didn't feel accepted as a barren woman. Every Sunday I would step into the lobby avoiding eye contact & I'd feel the weight of the eyes that were staring at me.

hope

People with good intentions, have approached me & asked me questions that just felt like they were pouring salt over my ever constant fresh wounds of emptiness. I'd always just brush it aside. I even joked about why we didn't have any kids yet. But inside, I was desperately searching for acceptance.

Can I just be accepted instead of being questioned why I don't have any kids? Can I just be accepted and not be judged for being married for so long but not having any children to prove for my marriage? Can I just be accepted & not feel like I'm walking around with a curse?

In the most desperate time of my life, I had only one soul that lifted me up as best as she could. She spoke life & encouragement back into my broken heart. She reminded me of the hope I have in Jesus Christ. She dried my tears when all I needed to do was cry my heart out. She embraced me & accepted me through my brokenness even without an explanation of what I was facing. But most importantly she repeatedly pointed me back to the Cross.

It was then, that I knew I had to find my identity in Jesus. I could've become completely bitter & absorbed by trying to find control. Or I could surrender it to God & let Him speak His love over me through the storm. I did just that. It took me a few years to learn to trust God with my complete situation. It was in the midst of this infertility storm that I experienced His comfort in a way that I've never before.

He filled my emptiness with His abounding love & reminded me daily that He was surely working everything for my good & for His glory. Even though I seemed so lost in that storm, He gave me vision to see that there were so many women out there who were also facing a similar storm as I was but without the Hope- giver: Jesus. I knew that as broken and confused as I was, the little bit-sized faith that I had in God cradled me through the storm. God began to give me a new heart & passion for women who were facing the similar battles.

I began to see it clearly. Year after year, God started placing names of women on my heart. Women who I was aware that were definitely facing a hard season of waiting. Waiting on their promises. Waiting on God. God has taught me so much through this season of waiting. He's shown me that a life in a season of waiting does not have to be dark. It can be filled with light. When I chose to let Him change my perspective, I was renewed in my spirit. God gave me a peace & joy that surpassed all my understanding.

He began to slowly reveal the Beauty of Barrenness to me. Daily, I find beauty in the season of waiting on Him. And everyday, He show's up & reminds me that all I need to do is to have complete reliance on Him & He will carry me through. I don't quite know what that means or how it looks like yet. No, God did not give me a blueprint to my future. But I'm willing to trust in His plans for my life and step forward in faith.

Beauty of Barrenness was created to embrace & encourage those who are in a season of waiting. My desire is to encourage you to hold on to Hope. To allow Jesus to minister into the very areas of your heart that resembles closely to mine. I believe that we all seek for a place to be heard, to be known, & to be accepted. You will here. If any of the above resonates with you then I encourage you to follow or subscribe. If not, I ask that you'd help pray over this vision that God has given to me. Pray that all who need administering to will find exactly what they need. Pray that God will provide the very people that needs to read or hear these words.

Photo by Thomas Smith on Unsplash

Love

I know that Valentines Day is right around the corner. But I don't think that Valentines Day is the only day that we should show love & appreciation to those that we care about. This weekend I tuned in to an International Local Livestream Conference called

IF:Gathering

. A gathering for women of all ages to unite & learn more about Jesus. Not just learn but to be equipped & unleashed into our very own circles of community. To prompt us to live a life around these questions: "If God is real then what?"& "What if we lived like Jesus?"

All weekend long we listened to beautiful women who've braved some hard times. We were led into prayers of confessions of things that we've held back in the dark spaces of our hearts. We dug deep and had some open conversations about who Jesus is to us. There were many tears of pain & suffering but also tears of joy & freedom. But the one thing that rang loudest through out the entire weekend was

LOVE

God is love and love comes from God. The testimonies & hope-filled stories shared this weekend were evidence of how much more real His love really is. "

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." 

The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 

There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31) These are most important yet simplest commandments that the Lord has given us. Yet, we struggle with the most. To love. 

Love isn't just a feeling a boy & a girl have together. Love is forgiveness,humility, compassion, caring for another persons soul, and so much more. Christ came to walk the Earth and He loved deeply. He came to be the perfect example of love. He loved the unlovely, ashamed, cast-off, & abandoned. Love isn't just for those who are good looking, fit, wealthy, or friendly. Love is for all God's people. 

Every human being that has a heart beat, God loves. And as children of God, He has called us to love our neighbors. This mean's our family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, & many more. Whomever is in your life circle, God is calling you to love on them. Even to love the unlovable. Love the ones who can't love you back. This is not impossible. For God so loved the world that He sent His one & only Son. To die for our sins. God not only loves you individually, but He loves the entire world. 

Therefore, if we are made in the image of God, He created us to love well too. We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)  Even criminals know how to love. Love exists in all of us but what good is it if we just keep it to ourselves? Lets share His love to everyone around us. Lets spread it to the ends of the Earth like confetti. For the best reason to celebrate is because of His great love. 

Love doesn't just flow from the words that we speak towards one another. Although that is the love language for many. We often hear,"You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" We can speak of our love for other's, but what we do in our lives will reflect how true we are to our words. Love is evident in the way we move & touch other peoples lives. When we look at the life of Christ, "He didn't just come to talk, teach, or preach. He came to love through His touch, proximity, presence, & dignity."- Jen Hatmaker. 

Lets love intentionally. Lets love our neighbors well. Lets be the hands and feet of Jesus. Loving, even if they can't love us back. Lets love the unlovable. I'm sure we all feel unlovable at times. But God will never stop loving us for a second! He is madly, deeply, head-over-heels, jealously, crazy in love with me & YOU! What are some things we can do to show people that we love them? 

You have any ideas? I'd love to hear them!

How do you love your family & friends well? 

How can you reach your community & share God's love with them?